WHY?

I don't understand how Super Mario can smash blocks with his head but dies when he touches a turtle

Hah...Beware

A man pointed a knife at me & asked "would u die for ur friends? he didn't know that I had a gun so I shot him and said "No,I kill for them"

Facepalm

A redhead tells her blonde step sister that she had sex with a Brazilian.
The blonde says, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"

True

That awkward moment when you go for a handshake and they go for a hug.

Lame

April Fools' Day is probably the worst day ever to have a heart attack.

LOL...True!

When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you've been doing since you were 13.

Truestory

me: i want to lose weight
me: i want skinny legs
me: i want a flat stomach
me: i want to be thin
me: *sees mcdonalds*
me: yolo

Indeed

High 5's are a great way to slap people in the face by "accident"

Sarcasm

I'm so talented. I can listen to music and ignore you at the same time.

LOL

Dear Officer, I'm not slurring my speech, I'm talking in cursive. Sincerely, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

rofl...truestory

Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.

True Story

Me: I'm just going to rest my eyes for 5 minutes.
Wakes up February 5th, 2098.

EVIL

My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.

TRUE

Be careful whose toes you step on
today because they might be
connected to the foot that kicks your
ass tomorrow.

LOL

I'm into golf now. I'm getting pretty good. I can almost hit the ball as far as I can throw the clubs.

INDEED

Laughing is the best medicine. But if you're laughing for no reason, you need medicine.

SAD

Oh, you got a 97 on a test and your upset about it?
Here, use my 56 to dry your tears.

ROFL

Ways to make your woman happy:
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment, then rescue her.

LOL

No, please don't ask me to be honest about yourself - I don't want you to leave a suicide note blaming me

Exactly

A naked iPhone is so beautiful but too risky.