Facepalm

True

Everything happens for a reason! Sometimes the reason is that you're stupid and make bad decisions.

LOL

There's a difference between being funny and being annoying.

LOL

Condoms aren't always safe, a friend of mine was wearing one and he got hit by a bus.

LOL

When I die on COD it's not because he was better than me, it was just f*cking bullshit.

LOL

The best way to get me to do something is to tell me it can't be done.

LOL

There is no greater challenge in life than trying to convince a girl why she's wrong..

LOL

I hate it when I meow at cats and they dont meow back. Unbelievably rude.

LOL

A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it 2,947 times.

HUH

The death penalty: Killing people who kill people to show people that killing people is wrong.

Gamer!

Hopeful

Dude she has a boyfriend.. Yeah so? Soccer has a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score.

ROFL

If one door opens when another door closes. your house is probably haunted and you should move.

LOL

Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're panicking over who's next.

LOL

Women usually sleep on the right side of the bed. Even in their sleep, they have to be right.

Pick up Line

LOL

Studied for 30 seconds I’m gonna rock this fuckin test

SARCASM

“Shh.. Do you hear that?”
“What? I heard nothing.”
“Exactly, it’s the sound of no one giving a fuck.”

Haha....TRUE!

Being in the Friend Zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling regularly, bitching about the person they hired.

LOL

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, Shark, Help!!!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

Oh Phoebe! :D

LOL

I go to school where the students are higher than their grades.

TRUE

Sometimes, life gives you a second chance because just maybe the first time you weren't ready.

Pick UP Line

I just wanted to show this rose how incredibly beautiful you are!

LOL

My parents are the luckiest people in the world for having such an amazing child like myself.

LOL

LOL

Guns don't kill people. Dads with good lookin' daughters do.

LOL

Just got kicked out of the library for putting all of the women's rights books in the fiction section.

LOL

Sleep is my drug. My bed is my dealer. My alarm is the cops. School is the jail.

LOL

If school isn't a place to sleep.. then home isn't a place to study.

LOL

Friend: Guess what!?
Me: You're gay?

LOL

I was texting a girl and "How" auto corrected to "hoe" I knew God was trying to tell me something

LOL

What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.

RUDE

Unless your name is God or Google, shut the fuck up.

LOL

Nothing says regret like the email address you made as a kid.

True

The older I get, the more I realize what really matters in life.

True

I never argue, I just explain why I'm right.

LOL

I wonder if a receptionist at a sperm bank has ever used the phrase: 'Thanks for coming.'

Dr.Cooper

LOL

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

LOL

I love my six pack so much that I protect it with a layer of fat.

LOL

Every time I see the word "Explain" on an exam, I die a little inside.

LOL

But the real question is,has Nemo found himself?

Overload!

My brain has too many tabs open.

True Story

"Bros before hoes." -A Bro without a hoe

LOL

Keys, Wallet, Phone: Three things I'm happy to see after a night of drinking.

LOL

In alcohol's defense, I've done some dumb shit while completely sober too.

Sarcasm

You should go deep throat a chainsaw.

LOL

Calling "shotgun" when your getting arrested is a great way to lighten the mood.

Literally!

True Love?

Oh, you two have been going out for a week? Tell me more about true love.

LOL

"watch your language"
me: oh shit sorry

LOL

Sometimes I feel useless but then I remember I breathe out carbon dioxide for plants.

HAHA!

A girlfriend would be great, but I'm already in a pretty committed relationship with alcoholism and bad decisions.

huh!

Parents Say "It's My House" But When Time To Clean "Its Your House Too".

ROFL

mom: how are your grades this semester
me: mother what's important is that we have our health

Sarcasm

Awe, look! My middle finger likes you!

LOL

Don't tell me a tomato is "technically a fruit" unless you're willing to drink it in a milkshake.

True

I constantly tell myself "'m done" but then I find myself trying again...

LOL

It's no surprise most GPS voices are woman. Trying to tell us what to do and shit..

LOL

*Nerd guys phone rings*
Jock: "Who was that, your girlfriend?"
*Everyone laughs*
Nerd: "Nope, it was yours." *Dead silence*

LOL True!

I need to stop imagining scenarios in my head that have a -2% chance of actually happening

ROFL

"Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Oh yeah? What if I threw a dictionary at you?

Sarcasm

I don’t have an attitude, I have a personality you can’t handle.

LOL

Lil Wayne be like: Pushed a nun in a wheelchair, call that Virgin Mobile.

LOL

LOL

My life is a bunch of "it seemed like a good idea at the time" moments

Sarcasm

No offense but I want to set you on fire

LOL

me: okay it's 7 am

me: I should get up 

me: just five seconds 

me: five minutes 

me: five hours 

me: five days 

me: five years.

LOL

My idea of working out is doing sit-ups to hit the snooze button.

LOL

Don't ask me for advice i'll accidentally ruin your life.

LOL

If you ever feel sad remember that there's a number you can call and a Pizza will be there in 30 minutes.

LOL

I have heard of women that aren't crazy, but I've also heard of Unicorns.

LOL

What's the difference between a woman and a bad joke? Not much, but at least I'll listen to a bad joke.

Future?

LOL

“jinkies i lost my glasses!” - velma in every fucking episode of scooby doo like damn bitch get contacts

LOL

You know you're lazy when you get excited about cancelled plans.

Sarcasm

Squirrels don’t know the square root of x and they seem to be doing fine

LOL

It’s not that I’m not a “morning person” I love mornings I’m just not a “waking up person”

LOL

Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself... a piece of cake.

PickUp Line

I tried to send you something sexy but the mailman told me to get out of the mailbox.

Sarcasm

You hate me?
Well okay, grab a chair and wait for me to give a shit.

LOL

I get awkward when someone compliments me and idk what to say.
someone: you look good today
me: happy birthday

LOL

Worst three words in math: Show your work.

Literally!

FEAR

5 kinds of fear:
 - panic
 - terror
 - 15 missed calls from mom
 - wrong password
 - we need to talk

LOL

Math: The only place where people buy 60 watermelons and no one wonders why.

LOL

Coffee: because most people frown on beer first thing in the morning.

A thought worth a million!

I’ve got 99 problems and being a decaying organism that’s born to die in a society run by money that I can’t escape is one of them.

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Hahaha!

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me to grow up, I could build the coolest tree house ever!

ROFL

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

LOL

I wonder why chocolate melts in my hand, I mean am I that hot?

LOL

Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.

Sarcasm

Humans are the only creature in this world, who cut the trees, made paper from it and then wrote, "SAVE TREES" on it.

LOL

I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. When it's my birthday, and when it's not my birthday.

TRUE

There's a special place in hell for people who slam on their breaks for yellow lights.

TRUTH

I do my homework for a while then I reward myself a short break. The funny thing is that the break is never short.

LOL

That awkward moment when you can't read your own handwriting

Wish

Sometimes I wish i could just fast forward through time just to see if it's all worth it in the end.

LOL TRUE!

Top 4 Lies:
1: I'm fine.
2: I don't like anyone.
3: That was my last piece of gum.
4: I've read and agreed to the Terms & Conditions.

LOL

Sarcasm

If u ever feel bad about yourself just think about the people who use their selfies as their lock screen or wallpaper.

LOL

I'm in a committed relationship with my bed.

90s Fact

I grew up in the era where you had to go to channel 3 to play video games.

Anti-Yolo

I had a dream that I killed all the shirtless guys with "swag" and their duckface girlfriends too.
It was the Yolocaust.

LOL

Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality than any other mammal.
Well, that explains Edward from Twilight.

LOL

I tried being normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.

LOL

Everyone talks about the iPhone 5s and I'm still using my Nokia... I'm special.

LOL

If your girlfriend told you to chose between her and Black Ops 2?

LOL

If stress was a drug, I would be high as fuck.

LOL

80% of women that wear yoga pants probably don't do yoga.. And 100% of straight men don't care.

Sarcasm

Oooooh, that’s a bit too harsh. Let me put "lol" at the end of it.

LOL

That awkward moment when the most annoying person is complaining about someone being annoying...

Sarcasm

You're annoying me. Go play in traffic.

LOL

LOL

Did you know that if you scream bloody mary in your mirror at 3 am, your mom's going to wake up and tell you to shut the fuck up

LOL

If I pass you my phone to see a photo and you scroll through my other pics, they'll never find your body.

LOL

If my parents knew half the stories my friends know, they'd disown me.

Programmer Problems!

Beware!

Women don't hold grudges, they hide it, nurture it...Then blindside the fuck out of you with it three months later.

Why?

I get high and watch sponge bob the i walk in the kitchen and look at my sponge by the sink then feel depressed because it can't talk.

LOL

I am just one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.

LOL

Alcohol is the liquid version of Photoshop.

Irony! :D

Wouldn't it be ironic... to die in a living room?

True

People with a good sense of humor have a better sense of life.

LOL

Really.. from the bottom of my heart, I don't give a fuck.

LOL

LOL

It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman... it doesn't matter if it's Visa or Mastercard.

Lazy Post

I feel lazier than the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

LOL

I wonder if crocodiles are pissed off that "crocs" no longer stands for "gigantic vicious reptile," but instead now means "gay shoe."

Bitter!

According to Astronomy, when you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years too late. That star is dead. Just like your dreams.

True

I could be locked in a room with no tv, phone, or internet access and I'd probably still not do my homework.

LOL

I'm literally my own best friend. I have inside jokes with myself, and sometimes I'll start laughing out loud at how funny I am.

Facepalm

We all have a friend who think they're a professional photographer.

TRUE

I didn't change, I grew up. There's a difference .

LOL

I really miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like b*tch whatever.

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LOL

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, fuck you weather man!

LOL True! :P

Adults are just kids with money.

Inspiration

When life knocks you down... Calmly get back up, smile, and very politely say, "You hit like a b*tch." :)

LOL

Mom:"Why is everything on the floor?!" 

Me:"Gravity,mom"

Thank You! :D

I would like to thank my arms, for always being by side. My legs, for always supporting me, & my fingers…because I can always count on them

LOL

A girls favorite line during a fight is, 'Go talk to that other bitch that's been messaging you'.

Sarcasm

2 Words,1 Finger!

Eminem \m/

Be a king? Think not. Why be a king when you can be a God? 

- Eminem

LOL

Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but I don't like you... so go away maybe!

ROFL

The best way to find out what's on a females mind is to make her mad. 

Then all the truth comes out.

LOL

If I die and people post statuses about me on Facebook and act like they knew me or were nice to me I will come back and fucking murder them

LOL

True

First day of school: 30 pencils, 64 crayons, 20 pens, 12 rulers, 10 notebooks.
Middle of April: 1 pencil you found on the ground in science

LOL

I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible,
but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!

LOL

When arguing about sports almost becomes a sport of it's own.

LOL

If someday we all go to prison for downloading music,
I can only hope that they split us up by music genre.

LOL

Hope

I Didn't Wake Up In A New Bugatti This Morning..
I'll Try Again Tomorrow

True

Money is not a problem.
The Problem is I don't have any of it.

LOL

Kanye the type of n*gga that would sneeze & be like... Bless me, thank me, I'm welcome.

LOL True!

Ladies, the reason you can't find a kind, sensitive and caring boyfriend, is because they already have boyfriends.

LOL

I'll never understand why British people lose their accent when they sing.

LOL

Dad: Who is your Best Teacher?
 Me: Google.

LOL

Nothing says 'I mean business' like using a grocery cart at the liquor store.

LOL

If a robber ever breaks in, I'll just pretend to be one too, and we'll laugh and hug and then he'll leave because I have first dibs.

LOL

That "oh shit!" moment when you lean back a little to far in your chair and then gravity takes over.

LOL

Girl logic: When you like a guy, do nothing about it and expect him to magically fucking know.

uh!

Everything I like is either: illegal, Immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive or impossible.

LOL

A quiet man is a thinking man.
A quite woman is usually mad.

True

I'm trying to be a nice person but everyone is just so stupid.

LOL True!

What's the difference between a woman and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

LOL

I swear if I didn't have a smartphone i'd be asleep 4 hours earlier every night.

LOL

If there was an award for laziness, I'd probably send someone to pick it up for me.

Sarcasm

I use sarcasm instead of punching you in the face. But don't push your luck.

LOL

ROFL

*At school*
Teacher: "watch your language"
me: oh shit sorry

LOL

That kick ass moment when the teacher calls on you because they don't think you were paying attention, and you get the answer right.

LOL

Life and beer are very similar; Chill for best results.

Atheist

I will respect any religion you practice...as long as you never knock on my door to tell me about it.

LOL

I could sit in front of my TV playing Xbox all day and consider it a really progressive day.

Uh!

Fuck people who lock their Wi-Fi.

LOL

Guys: Uses love to get sex.
Girls: Uses sex to get love.
Me: Uses coupons to get pizza.

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True!

I'm not rude, I just say what everybody else is thinking.

LOL

Taking awful cold medicine as a kid taught me how to take shots in college.

LOL

Lets face it, at one point in our life we have all wanted to be Steve Stifler

LOL

My dream is to get a job where people ask me "You actually get paid to do this?"

LOL

What is it with fat people getting praise for losing weight? Where's my praise for not being a fatass in the first place?

LOL

If a woman comes out of no where asking you a question, be honest because most likely, she asked because she already knows the answer.

Sarcasm

Sarcasm

I wish some people would just go bungee jumping ... Without the chord

LOL

The only thing better than a nap is a nap with someone.

LOL

LOL

Go to bed early they said. You’ll be less tired they said.

LOL

Actually Spiderman is a web designer.

So True!

The hardest childhood decision: Charmander, Squirtle or Baulbasaur.

LOL

I'll never settle for less than I deserve when it comes to a relationship, she's got to be worth the trouble.

LOL

When people say "I am done with people." Like who the fuck are you gonna talk to now, animals?

LOL

Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the shit out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes..

LOL

Giving gum to your friend is like a drug deal. "You didnt SEE anything, you didnt HEAR anything, and you sure as hell didnt get it from ME"

LOL

If you’re a sarcastic asshole, come sit with me because I’m one too.

Sarcasm

Mom: "Clean your room, family is coming over..."
"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize the gathering would be held in my bedroom..."

LOL

And on the sixth day satan created algebra.

Dad And Daughter gettin ready for her DATE! :D

LOL

How to tie the strongest knot ever? Step 1: Put your headphones in your pocket. Step 2: Wait 1 minute.

Wait....What?

You have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? ...Stop counting smart one. Fish can't drown.

LOL

Guys have feelings too! For example, sometimes we feel hungry.

LOL

I let my blind friend borrow money the other day. He said he was gonna pay me back the next time he saw me... Wait a minute...

Sarcasm

LOL

For every bad idea you have, I'm always there to tell you... I'm in.

LOL

You know a girl is serious when they say your name in a text.  o.O

LOL

I accidentally messed up my life how do I start a new account.

LOL

I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says "haha good one" and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.

LOL

Vegetarians, if you love animals so much why do you eat all their food?

LOL

Sarcasm

Remember when I asked for your opinion? Yeah, me neither.

LOL

Girls who are obsessed with celebrities need to get a life.

LOL

Not all women are crazy. Some are dead.

ROFL

*Calls local grocery store*
Me: Do you guys have cotton balls? Clerk: Yes.
Me: Does it tickle when you walk? Clerk: *Hangs up*

LOL

Customer: how do you prepare your chickens? Waiter: nothing special, we just tell them that they're going to die

LOL

Sometimes I wish I was a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.

LOL

No iPhone I typed "omg" not "OMG"

EPIC!

Sarcasm

Maybe you should eat makeup so you will be pretty on the inside too.

LOL

Teacher: "Whoever answers my next question can go home."
*Boy throws bag at teacher*
Teacher: "Who threw that!?"
Boy:" Me! I'm going home!"

LOL

A picture speaks a thousand words. But with Photoshop, it tells a thousand lies.

LOL

I say things as soon as they come to my mind. No filter.

LOL

Everybody learns how to dance when they drop a knife.

LOL

Wife: Whisper dirty dirty things into my ear. Husband: Bathroom, kitchen, laundry room

ROFL

When I cross a one way road, I still look both sides. Just in case, there are any women driving.

LOL

I hated going to weddings. Every grandma would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

LOL

Bad decisions make good stories... and I always have good stories.

LOL

Stay up late.
Regret it in the morning.
Repeat.

Neighbors?? :D

LOL

Revenge? I'm too lazy. I'm just going to sit here and let karma mess you up

LOL

"Everyday I'm buffering." - Youtube

LOL

Everyone says to follow your dreams, so I went back to bed.

LOL

I hate when you are waiting for the bus and someone asks Has the bus come yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

LOL

Keep your friends close, and your phone's charger closer.

LOL

Sometimes it physically pains me to hold back my sarcastic comments

LOL

I really wanna throw a party with fake alcohol and see how many people act wasted.

Sarcasm

I hate when people ask me: what happened to the sweet old you?
Well, people like you killed it

LOL

My girlfriend left me because I didn't pay any attention to her, or something like that, I wasn't really listening.

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LOL

God bless the people who upload tv shows to the internet

LOL

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

LOL

A Good Friend: Calls you in jail. A Great Friend: Will visit you in jail. YOUR BEST FRIEND: *BLOWS UP WALL* "GET IN THE VAN NOW!"

True Story!

Guys insult each other and don't really mean it, and girls compliment each other and don't really mean it either.

True Story!

When i was younger ,I couldn't wait to be older.This shit was not what I expected.

LOL

SCIENCE FACT: If you took out all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

Uh!

Cool things always happen when I don’t have a camera.

LOL

Not looking in the bathroom mirror late at night because there might be someone behind you...

LOL

Sarcasm

You don't like my attitude? Well i don't like your face.

LOL

If breakups never existed, the music industry would go bankrupt.

LOL

If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I'm trying to say is, you look like Shrek.

LOL

I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day… but then i realized it was a mirror.

LOL

LOL

My girlfriend said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Call of Duty. It's ok, she won't get far. I set up a claymore by the door.

Silly!

And then God created Saturn... And he liked it... So he put a ring on it.

Hahaha!

Most people want a perfect relationship.
 I just want a hamburger that looks like the ones in commercials.

LOL

I don't get older. I level up.

Truth

If mermaids exist i hope they stay hidden because we’re just gonna end up killing them like we do everything else.

LOL

Where can i download motivation?

Sarcasm

The easiest way to keep people from getting involved in your personal problems is to not post them on the internet.

LOL

If you're Talking behind my back that just means my life is obviously more interesting than yours

Sarcasm

So they pay $1 million for commercials of starving kids but they can't feed them?

ROFL

Husband: "I love you." Wife: "Is that you or the beer talking?" Husband: "It's me... talking to the beer..."

LOL

If I'm texting you first, you're doing something right. Or you're hot.

Sarcasm

LOL

Dear stomach, you're bored, not hungry. So shut up.

Silly

Roses are red.
My name is not Dave.
This poem makes no sense.
Microwave.

Sarcasm

Me, jealous of you?
Bless your delusional heart.

LOL

My ex updated her status on Facebook & said she was standing on a cliff so I poked her.

Cheesy Post

I would make a joke about pizza, but it would be too cheesy.

ROFL

Drugs don't ruin your career. Drug tests do.

LOL

Ladies, I'd like to remind you that trying to play "hard to get" doesn't work when you're already "hard to want".

LOL

To do list : Go to Australia. Locate 42 Wallaby Way Sydney.

Sarcasm

Society is funny. They ask you to be yourself and yet they judge you.

Deep!

Pick Up Line

Even if there wasn't any gravity on earth, I would still fall for you!

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True Post

There’s nothing uglier than first week of school handwriting.

LOL

I don't have a drinking addiction, I have a drinking dedication.

LOL

If your girlfriend complains that you never take her anywhere expensive.. Take her to the Gas Station.

TRUTH

We live in a generation where the bathroom is now a photo booth

LOL

Sarcasm

Waitress:Have i kept you waiting long?
Me: No,but did you know there are 3,296 squares on the ceiling?

LOL

What if oxygen is poisonous and it just takes 80 years to kill us?

LOL

LOL

Can a woman make you a millionaire? Yes, but only if you are a billionaire.

LOL

I'm the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened yesterday.

LOL

When life knocks me down, instead of getting back up I usually lie there and take a nap.

LOL

Superman can see through women's clothing. Still finding time to fight crime is what really makes him super.

Sarcasm

LOL

Don’t cry me a river. That’s stupid as hell. Cry me a milkshake.

LOL

LOL

I will ignore you so hard, you will start to doubt your own existence.

LOL

God made man. But sandwiches weren't going to make themselves. So God made woman.

LOL

LOL

My girlfriend wanted to talk to me about my immaturity, but she can't. She doesn't know the password to my secret fort.

LOL

LOL

I wish my grades would smoke weed so they could get higher..

LOL

I'm painting a blue square in my backyard. So that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.