Truestory

The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest.

LOL true

No matter how big and bad you are when a two year old hands you a toy phone you answer it.

True Story

Oh Ted!

LOL

Pickup Line

I was looking in the window of a store and I saw something adorable to get you for Christmas.
Then I realized it was my reflection

LOL

Tony Stark FTW

LOL

"Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company.

True Story

hardest thing ever?
controlling your laughter at serious times.

LOL

True

Dance Like No One Is Watching... Study Like
Everyone Is Watching!!

LOL

Teacher: "You're here to learn."
Student: "No, we're here because it's the law."

true

True

teacher: you should know this, you learned it 3 years ago
me: bitch i don't even remember what happened yesterday

LOL Burn

Teacher: "Where's your book?!"
Me: "At home."
Teacher: "And what's it doing there?"
Me: "Having more fun than me."

LOL

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig.... Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

Sarcasm

Oh Crap

Cancel... Cancel!....Cancel!!....
CANCEL!.....
Message sent...
Kill me now.

Sarcasm

I heard you were going to make a lot of changes to improve your life. 
Could you start by staying the fuck out of mine?

Lame

To do list:
1) Go to pet store.
2) Buy bird seed.
3) Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow.
4) Watch the reaction. Priceless.

LOL

Random

I like turtles because they're so chill. They don't hurt anyone. They're just like, "Hey man, I want to swim, and maybe eat some lettuce."

Sarcasm

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit, and knowing you're shit.

So true!

Growing up into an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done in my life >.<

ROFL

Genie: What's your wish?
Me: I wish for a caring & tolerant girlfriend.
Genie: Wish for something more realistic. Like mermaids or unicorns.

Silly

Sarcasm

I'm not saying I hate you... I'm just saying if we were being chased by cannibals.. I would trip you.

LOL what?

MOM: Make your bed!
ME: Why make my bed If I'm gonna sleep In It again tonight?
MOM: Why wipe your ass If your gunna poop again?
ME: o_O

True

I hate when fat people say "You couldn't walk a mile in my shoes." I'm like bitch you couldn't walk a mile in your shoes either.

True Story

When a girl says "whatever", she really means, "I hope you get beaten up, thrown off a bridge, raped by a shark, and then eaten by it."

Sheldon Cooper

LOL

reason to not become an adult:
you can’t use the ‘my mom said i can’t go’ excuse to blow someone off

LOL

horoscope: stay in bed

True

“tired” isn’t even a temporary state for me anymore it’s just an inherent part of my personality at this point

ROFL

well son, it all started when your father liked my selfie

LOL true

Women have to deal with periods and pregnancy.
Men have to deal with women. It's all about balance.

LOL

I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week.
He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.

I made her cry!

True

When life knocks you down... Calmly get back up, smile, and very politely say, "You hit like a b*tch."

LOL

The first thing i do when i don't know where i'm going is turn down the radio.

LOL True

All women are crazy but if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.

Geeks

LOL

Females put you in the friend zone but forget they need a ride to work.

ROFL

Pool party at my house, bring your own pool.

Sarcasm

Don't you hate when you buy a bag of packaged air and there's chips inside it? Pisses me off.

LOL

I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.

True

It’s funny how people judge other’s mistakes while they also do the same thing.

Evil

*Standing on a high balcony*
Normal person: What a breathtaking view!
Me: I could totally snipe that guy from here.

LOL

I named my eraser confidence because it gets smaller and smaller after every mistake I make.

LOL

On a scale of Will Smith to Amanda Bynes how much have you changed in the past 10 years?

LOL

person: you need to smile more
me: you need to fuck off

FacePalm

Dad: Son, our house is on fire! Run!
Son: Ok, hang on, I'll just upload a picture about this on Facebook!
Dad: Ok, tag me!

True

Don't ask for my opinion then get mad when I tell you the truth.

LOL

That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber to open it.

Sarcasm Crude

Sarcasm

sarcasm is a humor with an attitude.

LOL

can you imagine ifTwitter/Facebook just decided to shut down and you see all these confused teenagers coming out of their house squinting at the sun.

LOL true

Let's watch a scary movie" *2 hours later* ..."dude walk me to the bathroom."

LOL

"Bro look at that!" ... *steals french fry* ... "What?" .. "Never mind."

Crude

Forget pick up lines, we need break up lines like, "is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?"

LOL

LOL true

I remember when my old Nokia phone said I had low battery it meant that I had 2 days to find a charger. :')

LOL

If I had a dollar for every time I rolled my eyes at the stupid things people say I would've made my first billion by age 2.

LOL

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”.
My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away

LOL

Sarcasm

Studies show that a Starbucks coffee tastes better after taking a photo and posting it on Instagram.

LOL

My mom blames EVERYTHING on my phone. you failing? Cuz of that phone. You tired? always on that phone. Oh You hungry? Cuz of that damn phone!! ??

So True

My day starts backwards... I wake up tired ?? and I go to bed wide awake.??

IRONMAN!

LOL

You know the buzzed feeling you get after few beers?
Thats the feeling of common sense leaving your body.

LOL

sorry but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin

LOL beware

Bitch I watch CSI, NCIS, Criminal Minds, and Bones I can make your death look like an accident.

LOL

Could be

The cure for aids could be written in Terms and Conditions and we would never know. :|

Crap

True

Some kids want drugs, some want alcohol. Honestly, all I want is a good nap..

Ellen Too Much

Prank

Try this for fun: go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people's cars saying "sorry for the damage." watching them is priceless

True

If i didn't care.I wouldn't have stuck around this long.

IndianPost

Some people go to CCD have Samosas and then spend time seriously discussing why we're not progressing as a country.

LOL

I study. I take the test. I pass. I forget what I learned. What's the point?

True

things i haven't learned in school
how to: pay bills,buy a house,apply for college
but thank Jesus i can graph a polynomial function

True

Sarcasm

The next time someone asks me what I'm doing, I'm gonna reply "I'm breathing 2 stay alive how about u?"

LOL

LOL

Dear family, Just because I'm laughing when I'm reading a text, does not mean I'm flirting with someone.

HardCore

LOL

What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZzzzzroflza!
ha ha haha ... someone date me please.

LOL

Me at restaurants: Is there Wi-Fi.
Me at the mountains: Is there Wi-Fi.
Me at family parties: Is there Wi-Fi.
Me in hell: Is there Wi-Fi.

HOPE

I hope common sense is the next cool trend.

LOL

A snail that meows, a squirrel in an astronaut suit, a crab with a whale as a daughter... The creators of Spongebob were obviously high.

Why?

Why do parents get so upset about little things like goddamn I left a plate in the sink not a dead body.

True Story

how do people do their homework immediately after they get home? i need at least 3 hours before i can even think about touching my backpack

Rofl

True Story

#1 RULE DURING ARGUMENTS: If you're losing, start correcting their grammar.

LOL

I touch myself whenever I think about you. More specifically, I rub my temples because I get a headache because you’re awful.

LOL

3 freestyle rules about Eminem.
1) Dont let Eminem go first.
2) Don't let Eminem go second.
3) Don't battle Eminem.

LOL

I never should have asked Siri, "What do women want?" ...She's been talking for two days straight.

LOL

i can hold a wet bar of soap better than a conversation

LOL

LOL

Why are we still testing products on animals when we have 47 million beliebers?

True

Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

True Story

You can always retake that class, but you can never relive a party.

Sarcasm

I use sarcasm because flat out telling u ur a fucking moron is considered inappropriate & is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.

Sarcasm

LOL

''Be strong.'' I whispered to my WiFi

LOL

me: better check my phone for texts from friends
me: *checks phone*
me: better get some friends

True

Girls remember everything, just know that.

Sarcasm

I thought Karma was a bitch......then I met you.

LOL

"Are you single?"
"No, I'm plural."
"No, I meant are you free this Friday?"
"No, I'm expensive."

Irony?

True Story

Nothing brings two people closer than the hatred of a third person.

LOL

Dear Officer, I'm not slurring my speech, I'm talking in cursive.
Sincerely, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

True Story

Person: "Hey are you okay?" Me: "Yeah, just having a bad day.. week.. month.. year.. life.. existence."

LOL

let’s play a game called how long can i put off my assignment until i start stress crying.

Sarcasm

People say everything happens for a reason. So when I punch you in the face, remember I have a reason.

LOL True!

Be careful when you give a girl your hoodie, she probably wont ever give it back...

LOL

LOL

I accidentally dialed 911 last night. So I set my house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.

True Story

god created the world in 7 days well it took 9 months to create me so clearly i’m a big deal

LOL

My grades aren't that bad for someone who has the urge to drop out of school every 25 minutes

True

I can't be friends with sensitive people, I joke around too much.

Sarcasm

True Story

Dear Math, I liked you, until you hooked up with the alphabet. Sincerely, you're such a whore.

LOL

Dear guys. If a girl tells you that she'll be ready in 5 minutes... And she actually gets ready in 5 minutes.. Don't waste time. Marry her.

LOL

Any man who says his wedding day is the happiest day of his life has obviously never scored an over-head kick on FIFA.

LOL

My memory is so bad"... "How bad is it?"... "How bad is what?"

True Story

every year, unknowingly, we pass the anniversary of our future death.

Sad

You think your life is hard? Just think, there’s a turtle out there that has been flipped on its back and can't get up. Fuck your problems.

True Story

In middle school.. we didn't screenshot, we put 'em on 3 way and muted the phone..

Sarcasm

how do i kill someone without looking rude.

LOL

I accidentally dialed 911 last night. So I set my house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.

Sarcasm

It's fine if you disagree with me.I can't force you to be right

LOL

Trust me, as you get to know me, I just get more awesome

Sarcasm

So if I lie to govt. it's felony.But if they lie to me its politics?

LOL

If video games make you violent, does monopoly make you a millionaire?

LOL

They haven't found the cure for a broken heart yet, but I recommend vodka.

LOL

What do you call a girl who expects a guy to do everything for her, make all the first moves, and text her first every day? SINGLE

LOL

If a girl ever pulls a knife on you during an argument, pull out bread, ham, & mayo. Instincts will kick in & she'll make you a sandwich

LOL

I swear my phone randomly vibrates in my pocket.

LOL

My favorite part of attending a Marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

Sarcasm

Widgetiser: Google Nexus 5

Widgetiser: Google Nexus 5: The Google Nexus 5 is now official having been unveiled via the Google Play Store. The latest LG-made Google phone is set to replace the ...

ROFL

writing “sorry” at the bottom of your math test

LOL

LOL

If sarcasm didn't exist,I would have been in jail for murdering people.

LOL

Don't cry of you don't look like the actress in the magazine, even she herself doesn't look like that

LOL

LOL True!

wake up: exhausted
12 pm: exhausted
3 pm: fucking exhausted
7 pm: about to pass out
bed time: the energy of 5 million condensed suns

True

I'm not rude. I'm honest. Not my problem you can't handle the truth.

LOL

I used to be good at math but then I finished 1st grade.

LOL

When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months...when guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.

LOL

LOL

All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you..

LOL

Weird is a side effect of awesome.

LOL True!

I remember when staying up until midnight was hard to do, now it's a bad habit.

LOL

Hey girls... Guess what. The phone works two ways.

LOL

It'd be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall, to see the look on security's faces when they pull the first mask off.

LOL

I used to be good at math but then I finished 1st grade

LOL

I'm the only person i know that if i was KIDNAPPED, my KIDNAPPERS would pay ANY price to Give ME back!!

Sarcasm

It's not that I regret meeting you, I just regret not running you over with my car before saying hello.

LOL

LOL

"Just because you can't dance, doesn't mean you shouldn't dance." - Alcohol

Sarcasm

I think some people mis-read the "What's on your mind" for "What's your drama today?"

ROFL

On a scale of 1-100 how mature are you?
69

LOL

I'm not shy,I'm holdin back my awesomeness,so I don't intimidate you.

Sarcasm

My degree of sarcasm depends on your degree of stupidity.

LOL

overprotective parents raise the best liars.

LOL

LOL

physics teacher: you can’t be attracted to something without it being attracted back to you
me: are you sure about that

LOL

LOL

Always thinking you can fit in one more game of COD before you have to leave.. And always being late

LOL

I should do my homework but that’s exactly what the government wants and I cannot let them win. Not again

LOL

I've come to the point where I don't even procrastinate anymore I just don't do it.

LOL

Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up.

True

It's hard to be a positive person when I'm surrounded by dumb motherf*ckers.

LOL

We've all met a child that makes us realize 'child abuse' began for a reason.

True

LOL

I love that classmate who argues with the teacher and entertains the whole class.

Guy Post

Girls, we like it when you're aggressive. It's sexy.

LOL

"Live life like its your last day" doesn't make sense. People would be scared, sad or sick. They should say "Live life like its Friday".

LOL

LOL

huh

Just so we're all clear: Earth is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can't make a cell phone call from my basement.

ROFL

LOL

If Taylor Swift ever dated Chris Brown and broke up. Her next song would be a hit.

True

"This video is not available in your country."
"OMG, where do I come from then? "
"NARNIA?"

Assholes!

LOL

Today, you are the oldest you've ever been and the youngest you'll ever be.

LOL true

When a girl says she'll be ready in 5 more minutes, she's using the same time scale as when a guy says the game has 5 minutes left.

LOL

If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?

Dr. House

Sarcasm

Are you crying? No, I'm impersonating a fountain.

LOL

My car has too much gas in it. You need to let me drive you home.
-said no one ever.

True Story

LOL

A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them.' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful.' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price. 'On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

True

Sleep is a privilege, not a priority. I'll sleep when I'm dead.

LOL

Not even things like Paranormal Activity, Shootings, Bomb attacks, Or failing a class Is more terrifying than seeing 5 missed calls from mom

LOL

Why can't the world just agree to sleep in and start everything around 11AM.

ROFL

The three fastest means of communication... telephone, television, and tell-a woman.

LOL

LOL

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

LOL

That awkward moment when your walking past a parked car and you stop and look at yourself in the window, and there are still people in the car.

LOL

Tickle me and i'll tickle your neck with a knife

true

Face: *smiling*
Head: fuck you

LOL

Screw love......I'd rather fall in chocolate.

LOL

"Hey mom."
"WHAT?!"
"Never mind you're in a bad mood."

LOL

'you're always on your phone?' well you're always on my nerves!

LOL True!

Our kids will never know the terror of calling a crush and having a parent answer the phone.

LOL

true

Your worst battle is between what you know and what you feel.

True Post

The hardest part about driving is trying to resist the urge to drive over idiots on the road.

Sarcasm

Sarcasm

you inspire my inner serial killer

True

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

LOL

"i'm so ugly!" she said as she uploaded selfie number 739 to an album titled 'meh♥'

LOL

What is Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable? Barackoli

LOL

LOL

Boy: So, you like bad boys?
Girl: Yeah.
Boy: Well, I'm not trying to impress you or anything ,but at Walmart I enter through the exit.

True

Something I learned about people... If they do it once, they'll do it again.

LOL

Study (verb) = The act of texting, eating and watching TV with an open textbook nearby.

LOL

I hate when it's dark and my brain is like, "Hey, remember that horror movie where ...''

LOL

It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one girl driver to scatter it all over the road.

LOL

LOL

Whenever someone asks, "You look familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Well do you watch porn?"

LOL

I could be a morning person, if morning happened around noon.

LOL

You know you've won the argument when the other person says "whatever...."

Sarcasm