LOL

Sleep is for people with no internet connection.

LOL

Men say women should come with instructions..but what's the point of that? Have you ever seen a man actually read the instructions?

LOL

You know you're getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

LOL

Miley Cyrus is releasing a new fragrance called "Twerk", its just Billy Ray's tears in a bottle.

Sarcasm

Sarcasm

Everybody talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally, I'm not looking to develop a heart problem.

LOL

You either die a hero or you live long enough to see Ben Affleck become a hero.

LOL

If she doesn't kiss you by the 4th date, she's only in it for the food.

LOL

If the zombie apocalypse occurs, I'm finding my buddies who got to level 56 with me on CoD and we're starting our running cycle.

LOL

LOL

If nobody hates you, you're doing something boring

Sarcasm

I'm not always sarcastic, sometimes I'm sleeping.

Sarcasm

LOL

I wonder if Chinese women complain that all guys are the same.

LOL

Then Satan said, "Let there be math."

Sarcasm

My vaccuum cleaner broke down,so I hired some people who suck.

Sarcasm

Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, I have Alzheimer's, Hey I just met you.

Oh Dr.Cooper!

LOL

LOL

Dear mom and dad, when I lie to you, it's for your own good.

LOL

Sarcasm

LOL

About 7 billion people in the world and I can only tolerate 5 at most.

LOL

When your parents decides to be in the room while you’re on the computer, so you just switch to google and stare at it.

Sarcasm

I'm not funny. I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking.

LOL

ROFL

Who are we?
Women.

What do we want?
Shoes.

How many?
50

Is that enough?
No. I want that one,too.

Now, is it okay?
No, that one looks better.

LOL

I don’t understand how my room gets so messy when i literally sit in one spot with my phone all day

LOL

I'm jealous of my parents, I'll never have kids as cool as theirs.

Truth

Haters are like crickets. Crickets make a lot of noise, you hear it but you can't see them. Then right when you walk by them, they're quiet.

True

Sarcasm

LOL

When you're driving and Nicki Minaj is on all 3 radio stations at the exact same time, there's nothing left to do except crash your car.

LOL

Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m an asshole.

Sarcasm

Sometimes it takes me more than 8 hours to get nothing done.

LOL

Don’t start an argument with a girl because they all have 43050194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 14:29PM on 22/05/2008.

LOL

LOL

My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.

Sarcasm

True Post

We met for a reason, either you're a blessing or a lesson.

Sarcasm

If I slap you, will that be charged as Animal abuse?

Sarcasm

Don't judge me. You can't handle half of what I've dealt with. There's a reason I do the things I do, there's a reason I am who I am.

Sarcasm

Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of bullshit.

LOL

Deja Poo: The feeling that you've heard this crap before.

LOL

LOL

If a man says you're ugly he's being mean.
If a woman says you're ugly she's envious.
If a little kid says you're ugly, you're ugly.

LOL

If you knock on my door and I say “yeah” it doesn’t mean “Come on in!” it means “stay where you are and state your business.”

BATMAN

Sarcasm

I want to high five your face with a stapler.

LOL

We would have been in less trouble,if our heart just did its primary work of pumping blood!

LOL

Maybe Karma wouldn't be so nasty if we stopped calling her a bitch.

LOL

First thing I do in the morning: look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.

LOL

LOL

I said I'd be there in 5 minutes. Quit calling me every half hour.

Sarcasm

My life is overpopulated with idiots.

LOL

Sarcasm

Sorry your password must contain the entire alphabet, your left foot, a theme song to a television show, and the blood of your enemies

Sarcasm

Look officer, I'm not being a smartass. I'm just saying, if you caught me then you were obviously speeding too.

LOL

LOL

I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check & it's cold,
like why you gotta play me like that!

Lame

LOL

Sarcasm

Who the hell decided that sean sounds like shawn.

LOL

I’m more afraid of leaving my phone unlocked around my family than I am of dying.

LOL

It may look like I'm having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I'm just thinking about what food I'm going to eat later.

Sarcasm

Sarcasm

Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.

LOL

Yesterday: tired
Today: tired
Tomorrow: tired
Next week: tired
Next month: tired
Next year: tired
Next life: tired

LOL

True Story

LOL

You go to school nothing happens. You miss ONE day, 7 fights, Tupac came back, school had a blackout , Rihanna performed in the cafeteria

LOL

Maybe we should have taken Miley more seriously when she told us that she can't be tamed

LOL

Alcohol has a way of making anything seem like a good idea. ;)

Sarcasm

LOL

iOS 7 tells you whenever someone screenshots your messages. It's a whole new game now.

LOL

It has been 12 years since Shrek came out and I'm still having trouble coping with the fact that donkey fucked a dragon.

Sarcasm

DEEP!

You pretend to care and I pretend to believe you.

LOL

Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?

LOL

PickUp 'Lame'

I wanna get tangled up with you like the earphones in my pocket.

LOL

The trick is to not let people know how really weird you are until it’s too late for them to back out.

LOL

"i need to stop," i whispered as i clicked next episode.

LOL

Truth

I always wonder why birds stay in the same
place when they can fly anywhere on the earth...
Then i ask myself the same question.

TRUTH

You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun

LOL

When I die, I want my grave to have free WIFI so people will come visit more often

LOL

LOL

If your girlfriend doesn't like that bitch, you don't talk to that bitch.

SARCASM

The intense level of your stupidly gives me suicidal side effects.

ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS-LIZARD-SPOCK

BATMAN!

LOL

Yes mom i know my room is a mess its a metaphor for my life.

I'm trying to be poetic

LOL

Every mother on earth gave birth to a child. Except my mother, She gave bit to a legend. High five mom.

LOL

Sarcasm

From the moment I saw you, I knew I was gonna spend the rest of my life avoiding you.

ATTITUDE

I don't try to be awesome, awesome tries to be me.

Insult

I don't want you breathing my air motherf***er.

Sarcasm

Sarcasm falls out of my mouth like stupidity falls out of yours

LOL

LOL