PickUp Line

Excuse me, you dropped something. My jaw.

LOL

Me: I cleaned all the dishes
Mom: aren't you going to put them away too?
Me: you have to upgrade from the trial version to the full version

Sarcasm

tired isn't even a feeling for me anymore,
it has become a personality trait.

LOL

The best part about being a procrastinator, is that you always have something to do tomorrow.

LOL

If I actually "Spoke my mind," I'd get set on fire a lot.

LOL

Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years.
Dogs run and they live for 15 years.
Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years.

Lesson learned.

LOL

I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I keep to myself.

Sarcasm

A musclular martial artist, equipped with weapons worth billions fights against a thin homeless person who puts on a horrid make-up with several crippling mental disorders.
Just another prospective of the Dark Knight.

Truth

Never apologize for the way you way feel, it's like saying sorry for being real.

Sarcasm

You’re the jelly to my burger
the knife to my soup
the glitter to my sushi
and the ketchup to my icecream
My point is, you’re worthless

LOL

Always be yourself!

Unless you can be Batman.

Then be Batman.

LOL

Everyone: if you keep listening to your music so loudly you'll be deaf by the time you're 20....
Me: what??

LOL

My voice sounds great when I'm singing with my earphones on, Then I take them off and I realize I sound like a dying walrus.

Sarcasm

Promises are the sweetest lies.

LOL

I didn't give a fuck until I drank Red Bull. Now I don't give a flying fuck.

LOL

LOL

If they treat you like an option, leave them like a choice.

LOL

Dear Millionaires, if you don't have a bookshelf
that spins into another room, give me your
money because you're spending it wrong.

LOL

running toward my dreams, tripped over reality and hit my head on the truth.

LOL

parents: you do realize one day you will have to pay for all your own things.
me: yes but today is not that day.

LOL

i would literally throw last year’s version of myself down a set of stairs

LOL

Dear microwave, Why is my plate so hot and my food so cold? Sincerely, Confused.

LOL

stages of life:
1. you believe in Santa Claus
2. you don't believe in Santa Claus
3. you are Santa Claus

LOL

Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the...."

LOL

I wonder how long it would take a giraffe to throw up.

LOL

Interrupt my sleep, and I'll interrupt your breathing.

LOL

I found a butterfly on the ground that had no wings. So, I poured some RedBull on it and BAM... It drowned.

SARCASM

i don’t insult people, i just describe them

LOL

Hoes be like "hoes be like" but they be the hoes that be like.

LOL

Having a dirty mind makes life a lot more fun.

LOL

kidnapper: i have candy, get in the van
me: no
kidnapper : the van has wifi
me: ok

LOL

Are there actually people out there who make their beds every morning or is that just a myth.

Sarcasm

My cooking skills are so good, the smoke detectors cheer me on.

SARCASM

"HA. I'm older!" "HA. You''ll die first!" "Since I'm older, I'll get my license first. Then I'll run you over with my car. HA."

LOL

kids born in 2000 never have to worry about forgetting how old they are

LOL

If i actually "spoke my mind", I'd be in deep shit.

LOL

I hate how a majority believe that when a girl’s silent she’s falling apart crying inside over thinking but maybe she’s just hungry.

LOL

Dad: Who is your Best Teacher? Me: Google..

Sarcasm

I always wonder if people are born stupid or does it come naturally!

LOL

how do people do backflips and shit like i can’t even flip my grilled cheese without fucking up

LOL

No offense but if you say "no offense" then proceed to offend me, I hope you die. No offense.

LOL

Heirarchy of respect in a traffic jam: 1. Bus 2. Imported sedan 3. SUV 4. Auto 5. Bike 6. Cycle 7. Pedestrian 8. Pothole 9. Nano

LOL

me: can i have $5? mom: what happened to the $5 i gave you in 1999?

LOL

I illegally watched Hang Over Part 3 for free online, and I still feel like I paid too much.

LOL

I'd be lost without you......... LOL JK, I HAVE MY GPS...

LOL

Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."

LOL

The awkward moment when someone ugly says "I need my beauty sleep.", when in fact they need to hibernate.

LOL

Zebras are just horses who escaped from prison.